And that's that.

Criminal Law & Disorder

Haven’t done an AVP for a while. Feeling a bit under the weather and feeling totally stoked, new life and all. Back in the day I was doing some research in mi’ High School Library when Mrs. Nelson an esteemed librarian took interest in what I was doing. I went on and told her that I was taking Advance Placement courses one of which was in computer science. She immediately made a vital connection. Her son was doing litigation work with regards to computer law and encouraged me to do the same. At the time mi familia and I were planning our move to the motherland and were gearing up for departure so I made a mental note and moved forward.

Eight years later I realize the wisdom of her words lil’ old Pakiland must now contend with cyber crime. Citizens must carry a CNIC (Computerized National [Shanakti] Identification Card) I have one so does GF. All of which are issued by NADRA. On September 29th 2008 (which also happens to be lil’ sis birthday) the Pakistani government (under the auspices of Zardari) decided to pass a cyber crime bill. The gist of which is that if you manage to hack into a computer system and are caught you will be executed in the most horrible and gruesome way imaginable.

Me being a Computer Scientist in my dreams and when I am taking a dump find this to be ridiculous. I being a maverick computer lawyer dude bringing law to Dodge City for the very first time don’t have a clue as to the equivalent legislation. Naturally being a holder and all I can gain access to US legislation. But I am wondering what would ISO do? And how far has the world progressed, in this regard?

Rogue thee not, however as an ex quality assurance engineer I was required to do white hacks into sensitive computer software to identify weak points. So according to paki law I should be tarred and feathered right about know. Thank god KFC is halal up and over here I am feeling mighty hungry.

rain clouds cometh

The past couple of weeks were spent battling the heat. The kind of heat that saps your energy, leaves you feeling sticky and uncomfortable morning, noon and night. The kind of heat that scorches your skin if you stay out in the sun too long. Yes the kinda heat that the tropics are famous for. That kinda heat.

Which is why when I woke up this morning and saw dark gray clouds in the sky I was actually happy. A cool breaze swept in from my balcony letting me know that for at least this day the batttle was over. I could relax and go about my business with ease. It'll be nice getting cooled air from the window rather then a stuffy airconditioner. My nephews are visiting maybe I'll take them out for a ride.

When I first moved to Pakistan the rainy season was just starting up. My first instinct told me to find some shelter and stay put until it was over. But the other people would have none of that. They actually got up and started walking around in the rain. I found that to be very strange and told them they could get sick. But they were enjoying themselves too much to care.

Rain is a very rare event in these parts and it something that people cherish. I couldn't wrap my brain around this concept until now. This morning rain clouds have brought on a 180 degree change. It's like you were baking in an oven and someone suddenly turned off the gas. The sudden onset of relief is the very definition of bliss.

Customer Service in America V. Customer Service in Pakistan

I pulled up to a gas station the other day to get a refill for my CNG tank. I went through the usual routine of making sure the meter was set to zero before filling up. I waited while the attendant completely filled my tank anxiously anticipating the tell tale groaning sound of pent up pressure. A quick burst of white gas from the switch off valve let me knew the deed was done.

I reached into my pocket to get my wallet when, out of the blue a nice old man with a big grin comes up to me and extends his hand. My first reaction was of dread, so this is how it feels to be robbed? At least this guy is nice enough to ask for my wallet instead of snatching it. He kept his arm extended and added the words “Asslam-o-Alaikum” to his jovial greeting.

“Hmm” I thought so he’s not here to mug me “Then what?”

“How was the gas?” my initial reaction of dread turned into astonishment I had no idea what he was talking about

Seeing my bewildered expression he gleefully pointed to the pump “How was it? Did you like the pressure?”

A dim realization began forming in my mind “Yeah…not bad.” I awkwardly stammered

“What about the mileage?”

“Uh, its pretty good.” At this point I realized he was getting feedback from me “Are you the supervisor or something.”

“Yes my name is Amin. I am at your service let me know what I can do for you.” I had to catch my breadth I couldn’t believe the words he was saying. No one presents themselves like this to their customers in Pakistan. Partly because the customers go overboard and ask too much of the proprietor or he knows that he’s got crummy merchandise and would rather run home to mommy than face dissatisfied customers. Also there is a very harmful mindset prevalent amongst small businesses, which dictates that the store is doing a favor to the customer and they should be grateful they’re getting anything at all. That’s why it’s always refreshing to run into people like Amin.

Customer service is loaded with red tape in the US. Often times you’re given the run around by call center operators. But you can take hope in knowing that you put the wheels in motion. I once returned a Michael Crichton book that I bought at a department store. The clerk gave me a cold look and told me that this wasn’t a library. She returned my money anyway.

Discrimination in America V. Discrimination in Pakistan

There hasn’t been an AVP for quite a while. So I decided to start things up with a touchy social issue, discrimination. America gets a lot of attention regarding social prejudices. The historical conflict between whites and black is well publicized also whenever a new batch of immigrants arrives they have to go through a ritual hazing before being accepted (e.g. Irish, Asians, Muslims etc.).

Discrimination also takes place in Pakistan but it isn’t as pronounced. There is an unwritten rule that rich and poor; males and females; the educated and uneducated follow. Poor people don’t go to fancy places and stick to stores and restaurants that cater to there budgets. Should they show up to an establishment that is clearly out of their means they will be asked what business they have here. If they can’t come up with a legitimate excuse they will be asked to leave.

Similarly when an educated person makes a mistake he’s just having a bad day. When an uneducated person makes the same mistake he’s an idiot. Females tend to be viewed as innocent creatures and aren’t capable of wrong doings. Males on the other hand are always running a scam, that’s why they won’t take back goods you purchased at their stores no matter that you can prove they are defective. And if you are leaving early from work you are obviously a slacker and are up to no good a girl on the other hand has to reach home before it gets dark.

As with any social prejudice they are completely ridiculous and sensible people don’t abide by them. Judging someone just by his or her looks usually backfires with the person passing judgment ending up looking like a fool.

Dentistry in America V. Dentistry in Pakistan

It seems the AVP (America Versus Pakistan) bug has bitten other expatriates as well! Check out this blog entry I found while surfing the net, which I take no credit for:

I'd like to talk to you today about my teeth and their experience at the highly regarded Ohio State University College of Dentistry (OSUCOD). In order to provide some context, I will recount a typical visit to a dentist's clinic back home, in Karachi.

Karachi:
*walk into dentist’s office*
Dentist: What do you want?
Me: Clean my teeth, dammit
Dentist: All of them?
Me: Yes, dammit.
Dentist: Alright then.
(15 minutes later)
*walk out of dentist’s office*

And now,

OSUCOD:
First, you have your teeth examined by a dental student. Then
Re-examined and checked by several qualified and experienced dentists (a couple of them looked a little senile... so incredibly experienced they must have been).
X-rayed. About 5 different ways. I've never had so much padding in my mouth. I must have looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger's bloated baby brother. There is not a bone in my mouth or jaw that has not been photographed.
Pressure tested or something crazy complicated. Six different measurements from each tooth.
Gum health type thing tested. I don't even remember what arcane tricks they pulled to get that done. There was all sorts of poking and prodding. I can't remember a time I felt so violated.
On top of this, they took a COMPLETE medical history. Seriously complete.
"Do you still have your tonsils?"
"I don't know. Look and see."

It turns out that I do still have my tonsils. It was my adenoids that were removed. Those are dangerous. They're usually only found in space, you know, orbiting the Sun between Mars and Jupiter. How they got up my nose, I will never understand.

"When did you have your adenoids removed?"
"When I was really little."
"Could you be more specific?"
"Not really."

That whole rigmarole took about twenty minutes. And the joy and happiness that was the rest of the lines above took all of three hours. Notice no cleaning was done. Because they knew right away that I was going to have to COME BACK FOR ANOTHER DAMN APPOINTMENT. New patient, teaching hospital, blah blah. All I wanted were shiny teeth. Instead I got 180 minutes of protocol…

Read full post here

“Foreigner” wrote this, hey man if you’re still out there drop by and say hello, I don’t bite I promise.

Sports in America V. Sports in Pakistan

If you haven’t already figured it out I am a geek. I have zero eye hand coordination and poor respiration. A perfect recipe for getting your ass kicked in sports. My classmates were well aware of my suckery and always picked me last in gym class. That’s why I find sports to be a terrible waste of human intellect.

But if I ever managed to take over the world all athletes would not be banished to underground cities to live out their lives in squalid conditions. As entertaining as that would be I would allow them to remain on the surface and permit them to live amongst us intellectuals because the sports they practice can be entertaining at times.

I enjoy watching the super bowl especially the half time show. But try talking about the super bowl in Pakistan and all you’ll get are blank stares and a crescendo of cricket chirps. This is partly due to the fact that no one but Americans gets football. And when you try talking to the rest of the world about football they get confused because they think you’re really talking about soccer. And then when you try explaining to them that you’re not talking about football but about American football, which is like rugby, expect with more padding. They get confused even more and ask you if you’re really talking about football. No I say I am talking about soccer. Sock who? Soccer. But why would I want to sock her? Because its fun. Its fun to sock her? Yes. That doesn’t seem very nice.

And don’t get me started on national pastimes. Two nations that I am intimately familiar with (America and Pakistan) both have a national pastime involving a bat and a ball. One nation uses a skinny bat while the other one uses a fat bat. Both of them get a kick out of smacking that ball around from dawn until dusk. Why that is so is any one’s guess.

But don’t get me wrong I too, even with all my reasoning and intellectual prowess do enjoy smacking things around. I liked playing hockey in gym class. My favorite position was defense. I guess my cave man instincts kick in when I am made part of a group and told to defend its honor. K’plah! It’s a good day to die I will fight with honor. That wretched puck will taste the cold blade of my bat'leth, er stick.

Speaking of hockey sticks I got to see the uniquely shaped sticks used in Pakistan during one of my numerous visits. Over here they play on the ground with a ball rather than on ice with a puck. The sticks have been adapted for this purpose so that they are shorter and have a sharp curve at the bottom, kinda like an upside down candy cane. Bye now!

Governmental headaches in America V. Governmental headaches in Pakistan

Let’s just make one-thing clear, humans who have flaws just like everybody else run governments. Therefore no government can be expected to be perfect.

If we look at the overall performance of the American government it is safe to say that they have provided for their citizens. This is not to say that it hasn’t gleefully screwed them whenever it got a chance (I’ll have more on this later). But major successes such as NASA putting a man on the moon, DARPA enabling the Internet and the collapse of the Soviet Union, has permanently entrenched into the minds of people that America is invisible.

This global feeling has done wonders for the American ego, which is very proud of its country. This is evident from how Hollywood portrays American cities (LA is cool, Miami is fun), landscapes (amber waves of grain) and organizations (the CIA will hunt you down). These images broadcasted the world over further heighten the perception foreigners have of the country’s invincibility.

The Pakistani government had a great start under the sound leadership of the country’s founding father, Mohammad Ali Jinnah. But it was soon entangled in the games being played by the super powers of the time. Unemployment, poverty and corruption soon took hold. Citizens were not getting justice and became bitter. Negativity soon seeped into the mindset of the people; we can’t do anything so why bother. Since no one could muster up enough enthusiasm for their country Pakistan never got to be portrayed in a positive manner.

Granted the Pakistani government has done very little for its people but all hope isn’t lost. There are many wonderful Individuals who have set up organizations that are helping to enable the society. These organizations provide vital services such as health care and education. It used to be that, citizens with a college education long to go abroad for better opportunities. This sentiment has declined post 9/11, thanks in part to stringent US policies. Also many expatriates have invested in Pakistan, which have yielded businesses that are providing challenging jobs to graduates.

The point being that Pakistan has survived thanks to the grace of the Almighty.

Scaring children in America V. Scaring children in Pakistan

Let’s face it kids love getting scared. No matter where they’re from a good ghost story always delights. Society eggs on this kind of entertainment with a plethora of stories to choose from. I guess this is due to parents wanting to keep their kids in line. How many times have we told them to eat their peas or else the boogey man is going to get them? This shortcut saves the parents a lot of grief. Similarly parents in Pakistan tell their kids that baba is going to get them if they don’t do their chores. Baba can best be described as a scary old man that does terrible things to bad little children.

More significantly scary stories in Pakistani literature focus around black magic and the fiery entity known as the Jinn. This term has been derived from Islamic scripture that tells about a fire based creation. The most widely known representative of this species is none other than Iblis (Satan). That’s why these creatures get a bad reputation even though all of them aren’t bad.

Scary stories in western literature focus on witches and warlocks. This too has religious connotations to it. During colonial times English settlers in the New World hung women they deemed to be morally corrupt. To justify their actions they called these women witches and thus gave birth to the infamous Salem witch hunts.

Owls in America V. Owls in Pakistan

It seems these two societies have different perceptions of this winged creature. Although both would admit that it is a formidable bird of prey they don’t agree on its intellect. Americans view the owl as being wise. This is reflected in literature, the wise owl often guides wayward children to safety. A popular snack food brand uses the wise owl as their logo. The list goes on.

However this is not the case in Pakistani society. The Urdu name for the bird is a good starting point. Uloo has become a term for referring to some one who is foolish. Often times when you want to insult someone for doing something irresponsible or reckless you would call him an owl. How this came about is anyone’s guess.

Weekend Assignment #198

This week’s assignment is:

What is your favorite thing about winter? Whether you love this time of year, hate it or merely endure it, you should be able to find something good to say about the season. What is it?

Extra credit: What do you hate most about winter?

Interestingly enough I had something to say about winter on a previous post. It compared winter in two port cities that I had a chance to live in. But it only answers the question of what I hate about winter. So I’ll give a similar comparison about what I like about winter in each city, here goes:

My favorite thing about winter in New York is a freshly laid blanket of snow. It really is a site to behold when your entire neighborhood is covered with mounds of white. But if you look too hard the sunlight reflected back by the pristine surface can make you wince.

My favorite thing about winter in Karachi is free air conditioning. People tend to remain indoors during a hot summer afternoon, because the heat can get intense in the tropics. But during the winters the weather is cool and you can venture out in your sandals with out worrying about the heat, which is great. But then again, I guess the Iraqis have a unique take on the matter.

Fast Food in America V. Fast Food in Pakistan

My family would visit our relatives in Pakistan during summer vacation. I would have a really good time hanging out with my cousins. One day we decided to go out for some fast food. I was like “Cool! You can get fast food here?” They were like “Yeah they just opened a McDonalds in Clifton” (a wealthy area of Karachi)

I nearly keeled over from the shocking revelation, feeling ecstatic I blurted out loud “Let’s go!” foremost on my mind was to try a big mac. This is something I never got to do in America. You see Muslims can only eat meat slaughtered according to Islamic Law. All other meat is Haram (unlawful). Last time I checked McDonalds (or any other major franchise for that matter) wasn’t serving up Halal (lawful) meat.

I threw on a t-shirt and some jeans and was waiting for everyone else to get ready. When they came downstairs everyone was perfumed, hair styled, and dressed up. I was like what’s going on here? I soon learned that eating out at an American fast food joint was a big deal. Comparatively speaking the prices are very high. The cost of one meal at McDonalds is enough to feed a family of five, 3 meals. So people tend to go to these kinds of places sparingly.

This is in sharp contrast to the way Americans view fast food. Which is a quick and cheap meal, to be eaten on the go. Formal dining is reserved for five star restaurants. The equivalent form of quick and cheap dining can be found in Pakistan, but you would have to go to the local restaurants. These establishments are normally visited by laborers, truck/taxi drivers etc. And believe me when I say that you get what you pay for. The cheaper the meal is the more unsanitary the kitchen will be. That's not to say that there aren't any local restaurants serving up some really good Pakistani cuisine. In fact one of the reasons people visit Karachi is to sample these dishes. I'll have more on that aspect later.

Staring in America V. Staring in Pakistan

Yes you read that correctly we will be talking about staring today. Dictionary.com defines the act of staring as follows:

To gaze fixedly and intently, esp. with the eyes wide open.

In American society children are taught not to stare because it’s impolite. And for the most part when you’re out in public people don’t stare at each other and go about their business. Children belonging to well to do families in Pakistan are also taught the same lesson and when they go out in public they don’t stare at people either.

Apparently the other half of society (read, have nots) didn’t get the memo. These poor souls don’t have much to occupy their minds so they while away their time on street corners. When a person that they find fascinating passes by they stare and stare and stare and then stare some more. To them a fascinating person is anybody with a nice car, nice clothes, jewelry, and cell phones. Unfortunately they don’t have those things and wonder what its like to own these items. So when they see someone use these things they can’t get enough of it.

In fact a group of them will gather and watch you make a phone call. They’ll be talking about you and pointing out things to each other. Things like the color of your phone’s cover, the sounds it makes or the cost of that particular set are popular topics. Just like we (read, haves) would talk about a TV show amongst ourselves. I can see where they are coming from but the thing is…THEY MAKE ME SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

I mean seriously they freak me out when they do that. I don’t know what their attentions are, maybe they’re scoping me out for a mugging or worse. I talked to people about this staring phenomenon and they say that it’s a harmless nuisance. So one day as I was walking towards my office in my work clothes I decided to engage one of these staring drones. I stared right into his eyes and he stared right back I continued walking forward and he continued staring. He began to swivel his head to maintain a good lock on me after a complete 180 degree rotation he had to stop staring less he snap his neck.

I decided to take this engagement to the next level I found myself locked in the gaze of another individual. I stared he stared I moved forward he swiveled neck I stopped and gestured “What the hell?!” he shrugs his shoulder “nothing just saying hi”. At times like this Muslims use the lament, estagfurallah (I seek God’s forgiveness).

This is not to say that staring doesn’t occur in America. When I was a child I found myself transfixed by a quadriplegic in a wheelchair. In my mind I could hear myself saying, “Don’t stare! Don’t stare! Don’t stare!” But I couldn’t help myself I never so a person in that condition before. A family member of the quadriplegic came up to me and told me to skedaddle.

So you see society corrected my behavior and I was more conscious of whether or not I was staring. There is no such check amongst the poor people of Pakistan, because they don’t think they are doing anything wrong. Of course people in America do partake in the subtle glance or the occasional double take. But never have I seen the wide-eyed drone like stares that occur in this part of the world.

New York weather V. Karachi weather

I remember winters in New York. We would seal up the windows and turn on the heat. Of course you still had to bundle up when indoors. Well-placed electric heaters gave you an extra degree of comfort, leaving you feeling toasty.

Winters in Karachi are a different matter all together. The houses over here are designed for warm weather and get rid of as much warmth as possible. That’s a blessing during the summers but come winter that feature leaves you feeling miserable. Sure you can bundle up but you’ll always feel nippy.

Then again the houses in the northeast aren’t exactly made for warm weather. Even when you crack open all the windows and set up fans all over the place you’ll still feel like you’re stuffed in a steaming sauna.

This is just one of the many treatises that I have in stored for you, the “I Don’t Know" Reader. These treatises will be equally critical of my adopted homeland (America) and my ancestral homeland (Pakistan). Which leads me to believe no place on earth is perfect and if you really want peace you’ll have to die and go to heaven. What do you think?